Tropic of Cancer

I've seen this:

 At some point in the future, in about 10 years I will be officially old . I will be tired of my wanderings and I will be tired of longing all  the time.


  I will be tired of cities, and guitars and synthesizers. I will want a small piece of land in front of the pacific ocean where I can wake up everyday to the roar and greatness of the surfing waves.

 I want to live whatever life I have left in combat shorts, flippers and t-shirts. Wear hats, get tanned beyond possible with the Mexican tropical sun and the salty surf. I don't want to feel cold or know about winters EVER AGAIN.

 I will give up computers and phones, and If I want to see someone I will have to leave my beach (I don't think I'll do it).

  A place where my friends, my loves and everyone I care about can stay and eat the catch of the day, where we can laugh and have beach fires, and maybe talk about the things I saw when I was away,  when I was someone else, when all I had was my dreams in the boring world.

In this place of happiness ,I will be grateful to be alive.

Stay High

Me, 5 years ago, Mr. Oh so sad and Lonely

Volver

   Place de la République, Paris


 And here we are again in this rainy afternoon.

Saying hello to you is always so strange. I dread the small talk and I can't stop apologising about the stupid tripod.

I don't know how, but we're back in Paris, back in these streets that never change, the city feels as I had never left. We are a few meters away from my old room, from my old balcony. The feeling is unbearable.

 And then you smile, and you talk, that beautiful soothing voice that seems to be forever smiling; that way you have of explaining the most simple of things in your perfect spanish.

"It's so nice to be back in Paris!", you say.

"Speak for yourself, I HAD to come back even if I didn't want to", I answer.

"Don't be sad, or angry, hey, we were able to meet again didn't we?"

"How come we can travel and meet everywhere in the world? I'm dead broke!"

"So, how's Canada? and Mexico? are you happy? what's going to happen with you?"

And the conversation goes on like this, we could talk about anything for ages, I like the sound of your voice so much, I'm just happy to be with you and bathe in your radiance.

 You have cleansed Paris for me. You have erased and superposed awful memories and episodes of darkness and sadness with good memories and images of your kindness.

Until our next meeting. THANK YOU.

(Pause)

 It's not that I don't have anything left to say,  I even have some posts that I haven't made public just yet, and the darkness was long enough to have dark stuff to put into this blog.

  It's just that right now the waking life has been very interesting and busy, moreso than my dreams or darkness.

  There is and end to this blog. But not yet, not yet.

Descubriendo verdades

Antes pensaba que era romántico estar perdido.

Portaba mis amores como una bandera, y un escudo.

Pero ahora COMPRENDO que el amor no es perderse sino encontrarse.

El amor es la isla y no la tormenta.

El agua y no la sed.

Adiós

   Me mantuve en vela tanto como pude, para que tu ultimo día se prolongara y pudieras estar vivo en mi mente mucho más.

  Ahora me voy a dormir, esperando encontrarte en mis sueños para acariciarte las orejas y dejar que me muerdas las manos.

  Adiós, mi hermoso amigo.

Hippie rant.

" We have in all naiveté forgotten that beneath our world of reason another lies buried. I do not know what humanity will still have to undergo before it dares to admit this." C.G. Jung


  For me, it has never been about believing,  It has always been about feeling and experiencing.

Therefore, I refuse to accept that everything my consciousness and dream-self experiences is the result of a chemical reaction in my brain, and that our brains are just tricking themselves by experiencing and perceiving unexplainable stuff. "It's all in your mind".

Too Easy.

Are we just innocent victims of our own minds?

I do acknowledge that there are things that cannot be explained by words or science, but we have to acknowledge the fact that our senses are limited and that our rational thinking is enclosed within the scientific frame of the world we live in.

Try to explain electricity to a peasant of the XVII century.

What I think is that someday there will be a way to explain things that can only be described, perceived and experienced by the non-logical part of ourselves; all those "strange" things that are still being explained by rite, myth and superstition.

My hope is that, at some point, we will be able to accept, through the conscious part of ourselves, that there is an element in what makes us human that is indeed connected (for lack of a better word) to everything else, and that it will be widely acknowledged and accepted as a part of what being human is.

We're still in some kind of a dark age when feelings and dreams are concerned, a part of ourselves that is clouded in "western cartesianism" where any explanation outside the frame of known, secure parameters is deemed as "primitive", "wacky", "new age" and whatever term is in fashion.

I'm not saying that "magic" or "myth" or "lore" are explanations either, what I think I'm trying to say is that  if I feel that there must be another explanation that remains unreachable for us, there will be a time when we will be able to explain the stuff in dreams and the unexplainable of the waking life (what we sometimes need to call "magic" for now) as easily as we can explain electronics and the Alpha Waves.

But, what if this unexplainable part of us remains intangible? What if there is no explanation for what humans have been experiencing and documenting all throughout history as dreams or trascendental feelings?

I could need an explanation, because is hard to explain the inner world,  and because, I insist, there must be more to it than chemical reactions, proteins and dopamine tricking us. Feeling this, and being aware of it doesn't make me special or unique in any way, but I embrace this part of me and I quite enjoy living in my dreams and feeling that small and big "magic" in the simplest of things, in despite of being discarded as a phony, primitive and naive person. I enjoy weird coincidences, I enjoy the surreal appearing in the most boring things in the world. I enjoy the unexpected and the unknown.

As I said, I could use an explanation, but by the gods I don't NEED ONE.

Sum ego

I'm an asshole

I'm a liar

I'm a crazy person

I'm a naive man

I'm a poser

I'm an unrealistic individual

I'm a mythomaniac

I'm the best

I'm a mediocre

I'm the worst

I'm a great guitar player

I'm an intimidating delusional person.

I'm like a solid rock

I'm a nerd

I'm a geek

I'm a Bad Mexican

I'm a great lover

I'm addicted to feel. Anything.

I'm boring

I'm funny

I'm really smart 

I'm unreliable

I'm not sincere

I'm humble

I'm unrealistic

I'm a good son

I'm a great friend

I'm a soundmeister

I'm clean

I'm big

I'm stubborn

I'm devious

I'm cruel

I'm a bad, bad writer

I'm a wishful thinker

I'm a really interesting person

I'm ugly

I'm pretencious

I'm proud

I'm fucking beautiful

I'm crafty

I'm really resourceful

I'm a humanist

I'm elocuent

I'm dark, in skin and soul

I burn

I inspire

I'm uninspiring

I sound like Placebo

I'm way out my league

I'm a good joker

I will make it

I have actually already done it.


 Everybody seems to know something and everything about me. These and a million other things I've been told I am. Can you add some more?

 I don't know who I am or what I am, and  I'm just starting to suspect what I want.  I take pride in that fact.

You are my gallows.

You are my gallows. You are my sin.
From the first time I let you in.
I remember the time we almost touched.
In the moment, a quiver, I knew you too much.

The taste of your skin or the nape of your neck,
I will never, never forget.
I’ll be your scapegoat who hangs from a tree.
Dangling so we can be free — you after me.

Utopium and Papermaps

 Well here's what I've done:

 My band in France, Utopium, is  finally releasing the follow-up to our 2008 release DOUBLEPLUSGOOD. I remember being restless for that album to be finally released and now this  one took almost TWICE the time to be ready. I consider it to be the best thing I've ever done musicwise within a rock band. I love it. Love the songs, love the sounds, love the general mood. Oh gods it's DARK!  but not dark in a lame EMO way, it's dark because I think it is really deep, it captures those depression years perfectly.

  Meanwhile, in Canada, my new home planet, my other band, Papermaps, is releasing an album as well.

  I finally moved to Toronto in February, we started recording in April and by the end of July we were done, wich for European standards is really fast! well this is North America baby! It has some great songs in it about generational dissapoinment and false hopes, and it really REALLY sounds great. We will be touring to support this record in a couple of weeks.

 Many things have changed in my life, but music remains, stronger, deeper, truer than anything else.

 Music Saves.

Midsummer

 Let the Canadian summers begin at last, and let me keep dreaming my Mexican dream.

La Casa

   Vine a México a despedirme de La Casa.

La Casa Verde; mi casa.

Nos ha acompañado en toda nuestra vida de familia. Aquí nacieron mis hermanas, crecimos, sufrimos, fuimos felices.

 En ella los cabellos de mis padres se hicieron blancos. Aquí, mi sobrino camina y ríe porque esta también es su Casa.

 Extrañaré los colibríes, las buganvilias, el árbol de limón, las manzanas, los nopales, las mañanas cálidas desde mi ventana y los aviones, los grillos en la noche, la luna llena en el patio, mi cuarto de ensayos, mi columpio, ver a mi madre hacer que todo crezca verde y exhuberante...

 Mi casa nunca se ha visto más hermosa que hoy. Intentaré grabar todos los colores, los olores y las texturas para llevármelas a cualquier lugar que vaya. Esta casa es mi hogar, y dejarla ir me parte el corazón.

 Hace mucho tiempo la dejé para buscar mi camino, pero siempre fué un alivio y una felicidad regresar a ella después de viajar y vivir en  lugares extraños o fríos del otro lado del mundo, y dormir y soñar, seguro y arropado en mi habitación en donde siempre entro sintiéndome un niño feliz.

  En sus paredes se hizo mi familia, y ahora la dejamos, con sentimientos encontrados.

 Gracias, ¡GRACIAS! querida casa, fuimos muy felices viviendo en tí.

Haz feliz a otra familia como nosotros lo hemos sido en tus cálidas paredes.

The forever nights

 Here's to you, and the forever nights.

 And yes,  every song talks about US.

¡Hola!

 Este día escuché hablar de tí por primera vez.

Y he estado vagando en el cyberespacio y errando por las calles de Toronto.

Perdido en las 10 canciones de siempre.

Perdido, buscando guitarras,

Perdido, buscando novelas gráficas.

Imaginando quién eres.

My needs

 I put you in the farthest side of my memory.

And I let whatever good thing I had of you in me to be spoiled . I alienated myself from whatever thing you inspired in me.

And my dreams keep me up to date of you.

I don't need to see you or to know anything about you.

In my dreams, I see you in the life  I dream for you.

In the life I want for you.

In the life I want for us.

El Diablo

 When you're on your own, and you spend time by yoursef (several days, weeks) without speaking to someone else, your inner dialogue becomes fuzzier, louder, and then it becomes unbearable. It drives you mad, truely mad.

 Is this why crazy people speak to themselves ?

 After a while, our inner self starts  speaking the truth, the awful naked truth.

 And oh, we fight it, we get into a desperate debate with that inner voice, and we lose.

 That cunning inner you is clever and sharp, and it's been confused throughout history with the Devil

Le Chardonnay de la verité

Piano Vache

"If  you don't pour me more wine I'll start chewing on my glass!"

La verité

 I wish I'd started 5 years ago.

Unfrozen

 There is this... thing I just understood.

The true power of the sun is hidden.

Hidden in plain daylight , we could say.

You can't possibly know it in places where it's always sunny and hot, not in tropical places, not in high blue skies.

I knew it,

when it was the coldest day I ever lived, walking some frozen paths. everything was muddy, quiet, white.

And then, when a bit of sunlight escaped the clouds and reached me from behind, I FELT IT.

The soft,warm, good sensation brought me to tears.

 And it was the most humbling, overwhelming and beautiful thing I have ever felt.

Tiny Updates

 Well, I said it for years, and now I finally did it.

 I left Europe for good.

It's been 3 months. It's been awesome.

 All my so called problems seem so pityful now. I have a new set of them but they seem more real, more challenging in a good way, there is something to be done about them.

  I said I wanted to move, and now Canada is just a few days away.

 I need to write a proper farewell to that European life but right now I don't feel neither dark nor lost, not even a little sad. It seems like I ran out of things to say and write, but definately not out of things to see and feel.

 I'm as merry and chill as I could ever be. I feel dreamy, and empowered and that's why I say it here, because dreams are the only real thing left for me now.