I remember fast blurs of cold and rainy Belgium.I remember dark and gray Paris, I remember sunny and dusty Mexico.
I remember sadness, and being lost and hazy. I remember all this through a layer of Pain. I remember myself desperately writing letters that were torn apart as soon as they were finished. Remember waking up crying for no reason in the middle of the night, or daydreaming about non existence while revolutions lead by children happened around me.
I remember not sleeping AT ALL for days and days.
I remember being sick of food, of noise, of people smiling.I know I became sick of music because one of my guitars is broken.
I remember a quiet world, living eternally in the dusk.
Oh, I remember the darkness as a physical state.
I didn't want to die,but I simply had no more reason to live. I felt overwhelmed by my feelings,wich were incredibly intense and painful.At the same time I felt alienated from them, numbed,as if I was feeling all this through someone else's body,someone else's life.
I was completely out of phase. I was ALONE.
It was scary.
Someone told me I was heavily depressed but I'm not sure. I think I went to a shrink but it is not clear. I started taking pictures of random places through strange filters, hoping to capture some of that darkness around me. I suddenly felt very very angry.
And it was just the begining of THE FALL. I honestly don't know how I managed to handle the winter that followed.
A year after all this I am not sad anymore.But I dont want to think about all those months nor do I want to find myself in THAT PLACE again.I have to remember all this in order to prevent myself to go there again.
And now, here we are again, in november, I feel a little scared because of the memories of those times,but I like to think I can handle this. I am not the same, yet I haven't changed that much. I still don't like the stupid Fall, but I think there's still hope for me in this world so I EMBRACE it.
At least it's not LAST YEAR'S Fall.